If I could...

If I could go back to freshmen Sam,
the one who just left the only town she's ever known,
the one who graduated with a whopping 124 people,
the one who thought winning homecoming queen meant something,
the one who thought not getting selected "All-State" in softball was the biggest slap in the face,
the one who is fresh off decorating that shoebox called a dorm room with close to 100 pictures,
and absolutely too much pink...

I'd have her meet me Arsagas on campus.
It's the only coffee shop at the University of Arkansas worth spending money at.

She would walk in with a Skiatook tshirt on
and in jeans present Sam can only dream of fitting into again...
I would look at that oh-so-naive girl with eyes full of every emotion possible
and first off,
hug her with her favorite kind of hug... 
The kind of hug that's not too light,
but not too obnoxious either.
The kind that you can literally feel the love radiating off of.
The kind that feels safe
and more genuine than any words could ever speak.

Then,
I'd slap her. 
HARD
... and tell her, "you'll deserve it eventually."

Next, I'd tell her to take a seat and I'll get her a chai tea
because she doesn't like coffee yet,
no matter how hard she tries.
I, present Sam, would have a straight black coffee, 
possibly with a shot or two of espresso, depending on the time of day. 

Then, after I got us our drinks, I'd sit down across from that person who is nearly a stranger to me now and give her a medium size notebook with a really pretty fuschia colored pen from Sharpie. 

I'd give her a medium size notebook because she wouldn't like a small one; 

it would make her feel confined and frustrated as she wrote.

But not a normal size notebook either because it would subconsciously overwhelm her and within a few minutes, her notes would start to be scattered and jumbled... 

because as much as she loves the freedom of such a big, white, clean, blank page, 

she needs some boundaries too. 

A medium size notebook would be perfect.

I'd tell her,
Now, listen to me, 
take some notes, 
do.not. check out on me
and most importantly, trust me.

Then, the first and probably most important thing I would tell her: 

Brace yourself, your life is going to change... drastically, but slowly.
You won't realize it. It'll happen like a beautiful disease that slowly takes over your whole conscious.
You are going to freak out.
So is everyone else. You're not alone.
You actually have NEVER been alone.  

 
Sam, you think you know about life, love, and all that's in between.
But you don't.
You don't know anything;
even grief and suffering which you think you know all too well...
you really don't.
Not yet.

And guess what?!
YOU'LL KNOW EVEN LESS IN 5 MORE YEARS!
Yes, it takes you 5 years to graduate.
Not 4.
This is good. 
Don't be scared. 

You will feel like everyone around you has an obscene amount of money and no idea how to appreciate it.
This is both correct and incorrect.
It's also irrelevant.
Stop trying to make it relevant.

Oh, and quit adding random people on Facebook that are in the Arkansas network.
1.) you look like a massive creeper.
2.) you will meet plenty of people.
Stop worrying! 
3.) you will have to spend an insane amount of time deleting all those randos you once thought were so necessary. 
Just stop it now.

You're going to question your decision to live in the all girl dorm...
Don't bother.
It's one of the few things you do right.
Nice job.
You will still interact with boys, stop fretting.
The bonds you'll make and the memories you'll have from Reid will be far better than any coed dorm could've provided. 

Stop trying to change your roommate and actually listen to her words. Don't take her actions too personal; try to read between the lines and see how much she's hurting.
For goodness sake stop acting like you're the only one who deserves to be hurting or have baggage.  Stop getting caught up in all the materialistic BS and help her.

Because I didn't and I can never get those times back.
She will leave and you could have potentially stopped it.
And you will have to live with that forever. 

You will hate the demands and pressure
and basically the majority of sorority life,
do it anyway.
You will literally have a perfect rush...
(even though you don't know the first thing about rush or even care at this point)
only to get to the final reveal and be absolutely devastated by not getting your first choice.
You will feel like your entire college career has already been ruined. 
DO NOT FREAK OUT!
No really, chill out. 
Being chosen by Zeta Tau Alpha is possibly the greatest blessing of your time at Arkansas.
This blessing will run it's course within a year and you will have to let it go,
HOWEVER(!)
It's going to lead to so many good things and even better people.
Those few people will still be a HUGE part of your life in five years...

Brace yourself, this is a tough one... 
You're about to experience heart break.
Heart break so deep, it will literally break you into a million pieces.
Not the kind of heartbreak you felt with JD... Something much more foreign.
You're still pretty battered and bruised from the loss you experienced in high school, so this will not help any of your personal issues with yourself and your life.
You're going to fight like hell to stop it.
To stop him.
To make him stay.
To make him believe it will work.
To make him see the future you see.
To make him love you like you love him...
This heartbreak will continue for the next three and half years.
It's not him. It's not you. It's no ones fault.
No matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to commit to you.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to make him happy or whole.
You will never be what's best for him or him for you.
I wish I could tell you to let him go, but I won't.
I can't...
Because as much as he'll hurt you, as many tears as you're about to cry,
he will love you more deeply than humanly possible. 
He will be there for you.
He will teach you to breathe again.
He will teach you so much about life, love, and what it means to go down fighting.
But listen to me when I say, he will never fix you. 
and you cannot fix yourself...

only God can do that.

And He would, but you don't give Him a chance until way later.

But back to your heartbreak...
No matter what, you will go through this relationship with him.
Despite your mum saying no, your friends telling you you're crazy, the endless possibilities you missed because of this twisted relationship you're in,
and the inner turmoil you feel constantly,
you will still try.
It will fail.
You will screw up in between these years...
A lot.
You will heal. 
YOU WILL SURVIVE.
... And more importantly, so will he.

JJ will not like moving to Fayetteville next year.
Save yourself the heartache of having to give him back to your parents yet again and just accept he's not meant to be with you at college.
Don't worry though, there is a little pup waiting for you down the road that will need you much more.

Seriously, you can get out of control emotionally.
If you haven't realized yet, we're a pretty emotional person. 
We get better, but WHEW. Lady, you should've chilled out a long time ago. 
While yes, what you've been through has pretty much left you tattered like a rag doll,
you still need to learn to control yourself, your words, and your emotions.
And obviously your facial expressions. 

You have no idea how to study for college level work.
You can try and blame your small public school but we both know it's all on you.
Again, stop blaming your past.
I know it's hard, but you've gotta let go eventually.
Good news to that...
you are excellent with hands on, interactive, proactive, type of work.
Utilize this.
Embrace this.
Love this. 

So, about that whole dentistry plan....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Yeah, don't even try.

In fact, stop pretending to want things that others want from you or for you.
They will actually love you no matter what, in spite of all your screw ups.
Just slow your roll...
Go undeclared for as long as they will let you.
Take your gen eds.
Take some intro business classes because you will wish you and Excel were better friends down the road.
Take some marketing classes.
Take astrology.
Take bowling.
Yes, they offer that.
Take art. 
Yeah, I know you suck at it, but you only suck because you never have TRULY tried.
Maybe you will figure out more along the lines of what YOU ACTUALLY WANT.

.... Because let me tell ya, I'm about to graduate in 5 weeks and the future is still one giant mystery...
You don't know this yet, but you really do have a gypsy soul.
Just don't declare any major for awhile.

Your laugh is so loud and obnoxious.
It's apart of you.
Just learn to love it. 

No matter how hard you try, you're going to mess up.
Then beat yourself up over it.
Helpful tip?
LISTEN TO THAT GUT FEELING OF YOURS.
You know which one I'm talking about...
Will save yourself years worth of unnecessary heartache and worry.

It's OK that people are different from you.
This doesn't make you weird.
This doesn't make them better.
It makes you, YOU.

You will run a marathon!
You will survive.
You will cry through miles 22-25.
You will never be more proud of yourself. 

Your personal demons are going to come out more and more as the years go own...
Hold on tight. You can beat them.
You will beat them.

You're going to rediscover the Lord and your relationship with Him will never be the same.
You'll wish you had Him so much earlier,
but remember that Christ can take any bad situation or decision and use it for good.
All that matters is you find Him.
And it is so beautiful.

Here in a few months, you will start pretending to be something your not.
You'll do this a lot.
JUST DON'T.
Search for yourself, fine.
But don't pretend to be something you're not.
They are not the same thing.

Your family will always love you.
Sometimes, you will not like your family.
Sometimes, they will not like you.
This is OK.
It will be fine.

You will realize how much you actually DO like Oklahoma. 

You have NO IDEA what good music is yet...

You're going to cut your hair so short
and it's going to take forever to grow back.
Chop at your own risk. 
p.s... it won't make him like you more.
and neither will your brown hair for that matter.

Sophomore and Junior year will literally be the best years you'll have at Arkansas.
SAVOR THEM.

You'll study abroad and meet the greatest people on earth.
It will be one of the most life changing and brave things you ever do.
You will fall completely in love with the people and the country.
You will never get over it and that's absolutely 100% how you want it,
because it means it was real.
And we will go back someday.
Those people, that place, will always have apart of your heart that no one else can touch.
And them for you.

You're going to go to the Sigma Chi house SUPER early
just so you can get front row of the Eli Young Band performance when they come during row week. 
You will get front row.
You will get a guitar pic.
You will touch all the members of EYB.
Mike, the lead singer, will drop the microphone right in front of you and you'll hand it back to him and your hands will gently brush for about a second and it.is.amazing.
You will lose your voice from singing so loud.
And despite that HIDEOUS, white trash, jersey shore leopard dress you wear,
it will be one of the best memories you'll have from the UofA.

Go to more sport games.
All of the sports.
Even track meets. 
Stop using work as an excuse.
Save your money. Don't eat a few meals.
Seriously. 
Find a way.

STOP TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE.
1.) you can't
2.) it only hurts you
3.) it's just truly so unnecessary

By this time, she's mentally drained and so am I.
So, I'll try and wrap things up. 

I will tell her one last thing...

No matter what you think or feel,
you're going to be just fine Sam.
Enjoy every second of this wonderful place.
It's going to come and go in the blink of an eye,
and despite your desire to move on and start the next chapter,
you'll always have this town, these times, these memories, this sacred place,
and no one will ever be able to take that away from you.

My relationship with E.D.- Part 2

This is part two of my Relationship with E.D. series. 

Catch up with part 1 here! 

So, where were we?

... Still in early 2012.

At this point, I've realized that I'm truly 'not OK.'
I knew it in my heart that I had an eating disorder, but I just didn't know how to accept it or understand. Or, maybe believe it?

I felt so lost yet, somehow knew I had to change and do so pronto if I ever had any hopes of getting my life, my happiness, my heart back.

I knew deep down why the previous attempts to become healthier were so unsuccessful. 
Like I said in part 1.... 
I JUST WASN'T READY.

So why wasn't I ready? 
I was attempting to change, wasn't I? 
I didn't want to binge eat anymore. 
I didn't want to be with E.D. anymore. 
I didn't want to hurt myself anymore... 
 
I was REALLY trying, wasn't I? 

Around March 2012, I realized that I had never fully addressed 
where my binge eating came from; 
it's origin, where it all began, how it all started. 

I didn't have to think back on it for long... 
I knew exactly when it happened.

7 years ago, I was in a horrific car accident that changed my life forever. 

I nearly lost my life... 
and unfortunately, my boyfriend did lose his.

JD was his name and we had a incredible kind of love. 
Words will never do us justice.
It was beautiful and it was so beyond real.
It was a gift from God that I'm still thankful for every single day.

You can read more on that story HERE. 
(I hope you have time to read about his courage at some point-- he was one amazing human being)

I was hospitalized from the wreck for a week with four breaks in my pelvis, two on each side, and a completely shattered left foot.

The doctors told me that they knew I would be able to walk again, 
but they couldn't tell how well I would be able to function while running. 
They told me I might never be able to run or participate in sports like I had before the accident. 

At that point in time, I was playing three different sports 
and had been since I was about 5...
Being active was my life.  
Being an athlete was all I knew. 

It was like everything important in my life had literally been 
stripped away in the blink of an eye. 

Despite having faith that JD was in a better place, not hurting anymore, 
and was blessed with a great support system... It still was the absolute lowest, darkest, saddest, and most hopeless time period of my life.

Not only was I emotionally and mentally distraught, but I was also so physically broken.
I couldn't use my legs because of the injuries in my foot and I couldn't use crutches or a walker because of my pelvis... I was non-weight barring for over two months.
Translation, I could not do anything without assistance for over two months.
That means everything from showering, shaving, going to the bathroom, dressing, etc. I had to have help with.

I was unbelievably vulnerable; so emotionally empty.
On top of that, I was at the mercy of everyone else physically.
Not only was my soul bare and shattered for everyone to see, but so was my body...

All I could do was lay there with my thoughts, my pain, my hurt.

Not able to release it in any sort of way.

All those things combined just pushed me so far over the edge.

The months following the accident and JD's passing is the time that I started to develop my binge eating disorder. 

I was such a mess, no one knew how to handle me. 

Except with food. 

Everyone realized, myself included, that food was the ONLY thing that brought me comfort, even if it was just for a brief moment. I learned that if I could eat my sadness, it brought me instant gratification and almost a "coating" for all the sadness happening inside. 

Until I was hungry again, anyway... 

I never realized it though... Not once.
And it's been going on for years, more present during some years than others.
If I wasn't binging on food, it was something else that offered instant gratification; drinking, poor decisions with guys, empty relationships with friends...
No matter what though, I always came back to food.

The deeper I dug into my sickness, the more I realized that food had become engraved in my mind to equal gratification. 
Not just satisfaction or enjoyment, but a masking. 
A covering, a coating of all the things I was feeling internally. 

It started just when I was sad or upset but overtime in turned into when I was happy, excited, nervous. 

AKA, all the time. 

Somewhere along the way, I trained my heart, my mind, my body, 
and my soul to seek comfort in all the wrong things.

It wasn't just a habit, but a way of life. 
I was selling myself short of so much happiness!

This meant that I was going to have to start a new normal. 
E.D. wasn't a relationship that could be conquered within a few months. 
My relationship with E.D., like the weight I'd acquired, did not consume me overnight. And it most certainly wasn't going to go away or just end overnight. 
It was going to be a process. 

Despite how much this scared me (and frankly still does) I knew it'd be worth it.

Summer 2012
 

I slowly tried to stop binging here and there and pray to God specifically about MY DISORDER and all that it meant and carried with it. I had never admitted my relationship with E.D. in my prayers before.

It's not that God wasn't enough for me or that I thought He couldn't help me... 
It was that I didn't let Him be enough. 

I didn't have faith that He can be everything I need and that included being stronger than the desire for food.

After some time, I rededicated my life to the Lord at the during the summer and that really helped me heal. Was the beginning of the real healing, I like to think. 
I finally started to believe that He wanted more for me than this addiction.
Also, I was starting to see that I could, in fact, overcome this with His help. 

I started seeing a counselor again as well. 

Through the counseling, I started to unravel deeper parts to my disorder. 

I was able to identify triggers and things that set me up for failure and things that led me to success. I was more open and honest about everything than I had ever been.

At this point, a few family members knew, some of my friends knew, and I started to become comfortable talking about it again.
This time, when I would talk about it, it was in a way of healing, not of bondage. 

For the first time, I was beginning to feel freedom from the power E.D. had over me.

Fall 2012. 
I finally left E.D. and all his ugliness behind. 
More on that in the next part of the series.  

Thank you for reading! 

*** If you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, please seek out help. There are so many great outlets out there; websites, books, counselors, pastors, churches, help centers, etc. all just waiting to be utilized. 

However, if you do reach out to a friend that is struggling, PLEASE, do so with gentleness, kindness, and love; not anger, confusion or condemnation. You may not understand why they do the things they do, but eating disorders are DISEASES. They are not something that can simply be fixed with a pep talk. There is so much pain and shame involved. Coming clean with their struggles is a huge step. Be kind, be loving, and be understanding. ***

 
One more thing, 
no matter what you've been through 
or what you've done throughout your life.... 
You are beautiful and you deserve happiness.  

I read a book.

I love books.
I love buying/renting books.
I love reading books.

For some reason though, I don't read them near as much as I'd like.

I blame school mostly and the fact that by the time I actually sit down and read something that's not work or school related, I fall asleep pretty darn quick.

Also, I blame Netflix. I know, I know. #firstworldprobs...
>> To my defense, I really haven't watched many TV shows/movies lately either. My Netflix is feeling pretty neglected. 

However, before school went into full force, I was able to finish this bad boy up!

I'm not the best with book summaries because as most of you know, I'm a rambler.
I always feel like I say too much and give too much away.
Then, in my attempts to not say too much, I don't say enough and make the book sound lame.

However, I shall try.
Because, I read a book. A whole book. I want to remember how this feels!
And because it could potentially be after graduation before it happens again.

THIS. BOOK.

..... holy twists, turns, plots, so.many.supernatural.beings.i.can't.keep.up, crazy visualizations, predictable but then again not predictable, freaky, exciting, typical love triangle that somehow isn't in any way/shape/form typical at all....  

YEAH. 

Will I read the rest of the series?   Probably.

However, because of the way this first book ended, I was left speechless and honestly freaking out a bit... I HAD to google what becomes of a certain ummm "situation" because I just couldn't deal with not knowing. This wasn't like an Edward/Bella/Jacob, situation either. Or, even an obnoxious half vamp-half human baby kind of situation. This was something that I literally could not go on to the next book without knowing what I was heading into. With that said, now that I know what to expect and what book to expect it in, I feel heaps better about the series as a whole. So, I'm sure I will eventually continue on to the rest of the books!

Do I recommend this book? Despite all the craziness... Yes! I do. Especially to all my friends that love YA reads. I have a strong feeling it'll be unlike anything you've read so far :) 

And of course, it's been made into a movie.

The 2012 Overview.

via

I'm back from Fall break.
Back to reality.

Such a crazy time break was.
Both beautiful and sad all in it's own way.
Kind of like the 2012 year.

I'm working on not rambling so much (HA!- right.) so I'll cut straight to the goods.

Gonna get real raw here.
Shocker. 

Clearly, this past year, 2012, wasn't my biggest blogging year.
I'd like to say that will change.
But, it's hard to tell.

I feel I have so much to say.
So much I want to remember and document.
But, I have trouble just putting it into words.
Much less proper punctuation and spelling. 

And I feel a lot of blogging is posing.
I hate posing.
I pose too much. {{Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.}} 

Oh, and Netflix also happened. 

Hmmm.
2012.
You saucy minx, you. 

You brought me so much emotion. 

So much feeling.
So much growing.
So much learning.

So much pain.
So much pleasure. 

Yet, somehow still such a blank slate. 

I rededicated my life to Christ.
I was baptized.
Again.

Yet, I still struggle with my walk with Him daily.
Not because He isn't enough. 
But because I don't trust Him enough. 

In 2013,
I want my faith to become stronger than my flesh. 

2012.

I admitted my eating disorder.
I recovered.
I relapsed.
Multiple times.

I was single.
I was alone.
I was rarely lonely. 

I lost myself.
I found myself.
Only to lose myself again.
Rinse, repeat.

I still missed Australia.

2012.

I slowly am finding out who I want to be through the guidance of a mentor. 
and in the words of an accountability partner. 

I've realized the deep value in the friendships I have.

I questioned many of them.
I questioned if they really love me.
I questioned if I really love them.
I questioned their role in my life and my role in theirs. 
I questioned how we interact and what I bring to the relationship.

I tried to evaluate what I can do better.
I tried to evaluate what I should give more of, but
also what I should give less of.

So many beautiful souls bring so much to my life.
I am truly blessed by their presence.
Much more than I deserve. 

In 2013,
I want to bring the same to theirs.

2012.

I realized more hurt lies within my family than I care to mention.
I realized this no longer makes me naive, or a child.
I realized this means I'm growing up.
I realized I would give anything to go back to not believing in pain or
that real life problems actually exist. 

Mumford & Sons was my saving grace.

I still haven't graduated.

I changed my entire life plan of dietetics. 

I've now bought more Taylor Swift songs on iTunes than I care to admit.

I moved.
Again.

2012.


I still love Marilyn Monroe.

And Tim Tebow.

The more I learned, the more I realized I know nothing at all.


Then, there's 2013.....
You're going to be a big one. 

I will:
Graduate from college.
Apply to nursing school.
God willing, start nursing school.
Be in 3 weddings.
{{Best friend, cousin, sister; 2 of which, I'm MOH and the third, a bridesmaid}}
Vegas.
Moving..... Ahhhgain.
And of course, all the unknown.

2013.

Let's see whatcha got.

My relationship with E.D.- Part 1

eat·ing dis·or·der

Noun:

Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habit.

 

"I have an eating disorder." 

I remember the first time I truly grasped those painful words.
Then the time I actually said them out loud.
Then the time when I really meant them.
It sadly wasn't that long ago.

That phrase is so gut wrenching to say. I never thought in a million years that I would ever have to say them. I never thought I would be one of those people. Notice how I said "those people."

Not me.
Not my life.

But, that's just it... so many people suffer so much pain inside and we never know it. Whether they are good at hiding it or we are just too blind to see, more people than you could possibly imagine suffer from an addiction, a disorder of some sort.

To be blunt, most people hear the term "eating disorder" and visualize a person standing in front of the mirror, nothing but skin and bones. Or, a person sticking their finger down their throat and hugging the toilet in secret. Most people think of anorexia or bulimia; and please don't get me wrong when I say those should be the most talked about forms of eating disorders.
They are the most common, most dangerous, most deadly.

Yes, you heard me, deadly. 

However, there is another form of eating disorder that isn't talked about as much.
Maybe that's part of the problem....

Rarely when you hear "eating disorder" do you visualize someone sitting in their car alone, shoving a combo meal from both Taco Bell and Chic-Fil-A down their throat, all in one sitting.

Rarely do you ever think of someone sitting at a Sonic drive in for 30 minutes staring at the menu in tears and disgust because of the inner turmoil going on inside their mind; whether they should push the button and let themselves lose control or not .

Rarely do you think of someone ordering a pizza and cheese sticks at 2am when their roommate is asleep and then after the binge is over, just stare at the empty boxes and being to cry their eyes out because they are more concerned about how to hide the "evidence" rather than the physical abuse they had just inflicted on themselves, on their heart, to their temple.

Rarely do you think of someone standing in line for food, pretending to be on the phone with someone ordering so that way the checkout person wouldn't think they were ordering that much food for themselves... When in fact, they were. 

Rarely do you think of someone who, for just those few moments in time, those few bites of food, has absolutely no problems in the world at all, and all that matters is when they can get the next bite, the next "fix." 

Rarely do you think of someone who gets a genuine high each time they place food inside their mouth.

Rarely do you think of someone who literally lives to eat, not eats to live. 

This form of eating disorder is called, binge eating disorder.

Oh, and in case your curious... yes, I have done those things and 

so many more shameful, hurtful and humiliating things you can't even imagine.

It's hard to describe the pain of those memories... But, someone needs to. Someone out there is searching for someone to understand, just like I was. I hope this can reach that set of eyes someday and I hope this series can bring someone hope, no matter what their addiction might be.

I look back and I just want to shake that person and scream at her, "YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS! YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS DECISION!"

But, unfortunately we can't go back in time.

The only person I can talk to and do anything about, 

is the one facing me in the mirror at this present time. 

To this person, I just want to wrap my arms around her and say,

it's OK. 

You will get through this. 

The Mayo Clinic describes binge eating disorder as,

A serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.

When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't resist the urges and continue binge eating.

You may have no obvious physical signs or symptoms when you have binge-eating disorder. You may be overweight or obese, or you may be at a normal weight. However, you likely have numerous behavioral and emotional signs and symptoms, such as:

• Eating unusually large amounts of food
• Eating even when you're full or not hungry
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Eating until you're uncomfortably full
• Frequently eating alone
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating
• Experiencing depression and anxiety
• Feeling isolated and having difficulty talking about your feelings
• Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss
• Losing and gaining weight repeatedly, also called yo-yo dieting

After a binge, you may try to diet or eat normal meals. But restricting your eating may simply lead to more binge eating, creating a vicious cycle. A person with binge-eating disorder can become an expert at hiding behavior, making it hard for others to detect the problem.

AKA, 

me in a nutshell.

Some of you may remember my "Live Free Project" on this blog that I tried over a year ago. I don't have the link to it because I deleted all the posts.

Yes, I was that embarrassed to say the least. I thought if I deleted the project and never brought it up again, I could make it go away. Pretend it never happened and just deal with my weight on my own.

I was so wrong. 

It most certainly didn't go away; 

the pain, the emotions, the weight.

Let's back up a little bit...

After returning home from Australia June 2011, I was the biggest size and heaviest weight I had ever been in my life. I attempted to blog about my weight loss endeavors in hopes that it would hold me accountable. I called it the "Live Free Project." I had great support and such positive feedback from so many people. How could I possibly have any problems, right?

WRONG. 

Although my heart was in the right place, the project failed, miserably. I should say, I failed miserably. That's not because I didn't try... I did try, so hard.

However, I didn't fully grasp the realm of my disorder. I didn't realize what was going on internally and emotionally within myself; in short, I just wasn't ready.

So, as the Mayo's description states, I restricted myself and tried to "deal with my weight loss" only, since I wasn't ready, it lead to more binging, a deeper depression, and yes a viscous cycle. I went from talking about it all the time, to not talking about it at all. "It" being my weight and my problems with eating. All the while, never looking to fix what the REAL problem was...

I was addicted to food.

It was my drug. 

With every pound gained and tator tot ate, 

it covered that much more hurt and sadness.

What's even more crazy is I can't tell you exactly WHAT I was so distraught over.  I know when the cycle started, but more on that topic later in the series. However, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how or why this was still happening! What was so wrong with my life that I did this to myself?

It was around the this time that I started to realize the addiction; realize this wasn't just about weight lost or weight gained... This was a serious problem.

This my friends is the time that I began a fully committed relationship with E.D.  

Aka, my deliciously & beautifully disguised, violent & abusive eating disorder

You see, no other addiction or disorder has to survive on the one thing it cannot control. Meaning, a drug addict doesn't have to shoot up to live. However, a food addict, has to face their addiction, their demon,

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. 

In NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM am I belittling other addictions. I'm just simply stating facts. The fight with food occurs more frequently than almost any other disorder because you have to face it in every single setting or situation. It's there, looking you dead in the eye, telling you each time you eat how weak you are.

Fall 2011.

I began to seek counseling and started to show progress.
However, I stopped counseling and life started to get hectic again with classes, work, etc. and just like clockwork, the addiction came full circle again. E.D. was everywhere I turned, following me like a stalker, lurking in the shadows to wait for his next move.

Fall semester went by and slowly but surely, I began to get bigger and bigger and my fight against food, my relationship with E.D., hit an all time high.

The holidays went by.
I went home during those times to visit family and old friends I hadn't seen in awhile.
This is when I began to see it on people's faces...
The way people treated me began to change.
I had no longer just "gained a little weight."
I had full on exploded.
I felt lingering looks of disgust, the staring up and down.
Surely they had to be thinking,
"WOAH... She's really let herself go. She's gotten huge!"
I could feel it in the way they spoke to me.
Their words were empty and their eyes were heavy with condemnation and judgement.
You will never know how much people's thoughts, views and opinions of you change when you don't look the way they think you should look....
It's beyond heartbreaking.

January 2012.

E.D. had completely corrupted me, no matter how much I tried to hide what was really going on.
I no longer saw Sam in the mirror, but instead, I saw E.D. 
I saw the bruises and scars that E.D. had given me;
the invisible ones that laid on my heart and on my soul.
I saw food.
I saw what I had become.
I couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes and I had to buy sizes I never dreamed I would have to buy in a million years.

I had returned home from a trip to NYC over New Years Eve and I found myself hating every single picture of the entire trip, due to the way I looked. I realized how much this was affecting the overall happiness and health of my life. I couldn't even enjoy the wonderful memories I made and moments I captured because of E.D. and his constant control of my life!

Then, one night. E.D. decided to really spice things up...

I guess he was getting bored of the same ol'.

I somehow stumbled upon the realization that after a binging episode, I could make myself throw up and not feel so bad. Almost like it erased the whole thing from my mind.

Out of mind, out of sight, right?

From the research I've done, this seems to be the norm. No eating disorder is typically by itself. They're usually a package deal. Maybe not the whole time, but at some point there's a combination.

A few weeks went by and I made myself throw up some more. 

After another episode, I laid on the floor crying and I'm not sure what happened, but I truly knew I couldn't live this way anymore. I was the heaviest and unhealthiest I'd ever been and if I didn't get help, get my life back, I would be lost forever.

This is when I would say I was experiencing some of the darkest times of my relationship with E.D.

I saw the honest truth... I was literally killing myself.

This was when something inside me shifted. Something inside me snapped.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I finally was ready to take on my demon.

My relationship with E.D.-Part 2 coming soon.
Still to come:

• Where & when E.D. and I first met. 
• The real moment of freedom. 
• The continuous battle.
• The healing and much more.  

Until then, I encourage you to hug someone today.
You never know what they are going through and friends, pain is pain.
No matter what shape, size, or form.
If someone you know is suffering, don't bombard them with interrogations and condemnation.
Instead, love them and find ways to encourage and help them. 

What do ya know, another change. Another layout. Another style.
Same ol' girl.
Yet, so incredibly different.
Each day seems to bring so much newness.
But somehow stays the same?
I don't know how to keep up. 

This blog has seen so many changes and directions. 

Neglect as of late.  

I think that that's a good thing, though; 

Because it shows my ever evolving life....

and beliefs and desires and priorities and phases.
It's beautiful really.

Growing. 

Learning. 

Hurting. 

Suffering. 

Joy. 

Happiness. 

I don't want to neglect it anymore. I don't want this point in my life to be lost in translation. I feel it in my heart; these few years, this decade of the 20 somethings, will some of the most life shaping times of my life. No, no more neglect.

"I'm not a girl,
Not yet a woman.
All I need is time,
A moment that is mine,
While I'm in between."- Britney Spears. 

I get it now Brit. 

And yes. I did just quote B. Spears.