tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45246511124567458342024-03-13T05:15:00.396-07:00Love Never FailsSamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.comBlogger420125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-61618634177834995662013-04-08T09:38:00.000-07:002013-04-08T10:08:05.180-07:00If I could... If I could go back to freshmen Sam,<br />
the one who just left the only town she's ever known,<br />
the one who graduated with a whopping 124 people,<br />
the one who thought winning homecoming queen meant something,<br />
the one who thought not getting selected "All-State" in softball was the biggest slap in the face, <br />
the one who is fresh off decorating that shoebox called a dorm room with close to 100 pictures,<br />
and absolutely too much pink...<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
I'd have her meet me Arsagas on campus. <br />
It's the only coffee shop at the University of Arkansas worth spending money at.<br />
<br />
She would walk in with a Skiatook tshirt on<br />
and in jeans present Sam can only dream of fitting into again...<br />
I would look at that oh-so-naive girl with eyes full of every emotion possible<br />
and first off,<br />
<u>hug her with her favorite kind of hug... </u><br />
The kind of hug that's not too light, <br />
but not too obnoxious either.<br />
The kind that you can literally feel the love radiating off of.<br />
The kind that feels safe<br />
and more genuine than any words could ever speak.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Then<i>, </i><br />
<i>I'd slap her. </i><br />
<b>HARD </b><br />
... and tell her, "you'll deserve it eventually."<br />
<br />
Next, I'd tell her to take a seat and I'll get her a chai tea<br />
because she doesn't like coffee yet,<br />
no matter how hard she tries.<br />
<i>I, present Sam, would have a straight black coffee, </i><br />
<i>possibly with a shot or two of espresso, depending on the time of day. </i><br />
<br />
Then, after I got us our drinks, I'd sit down across from that person <i>who is nearly a stranger to me now</i> and give her a medium size notebook with a really pretty fuschia colored pen from <i>Sharpie. </i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>I'd give her a medium size notebook because she wouldn't like a small one; </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>it would make her feel confined<span style="font-size: x-small;"> and frustrated as she wr<span style="font-size: x-small;">ote.</span></span> </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>But not a normal size notebook either because it would <span style="font-size: x-small;">subconsciously</span> overwhelm her and <span style="font-size: x-small;">within a few minutes, </span>her notes would start to be scattered<span style="font-size: x-small;"> and jumbled...</span> </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>because as much as she loves the freedom of such a big, white, clean, blank page, </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i>she needs some boundaries too. </i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">A m</span>edium size notebook would be perfect. </i></span></span></div>
<br />
I'd tell her,<br />
<i>Now, listen to me, </i><br />
<i>take some notes, </i><br />
<i>do.not. check out on me</i><br />
<i>and most importantly,<u> trust me. </u></i><br />
<br />
Then, the first and probably most important thing I would tell her: <br />
<br />
Brace yourself, your life is going to change... drastically, but slowly. <br />
You won't realize it. It'll happen like a beautiful disease that slowly takes over your whole conscious.<br />
You are going to freak out.<br />
So is everyone else. You're not alone.<br />
You actually have NEVER been alone. <br />
<br />
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<br />
Sam, you think you know about life, love, and all that's in between.<br />
But you don't. <br />
You don't know anything;<br />
even grief and suffering which you think you know all too well...<br />
you really don't.<br />
Not yet.<br />
<br />
And guess what?!<br />
YOU'LL KNOW EVEN LESS IN 5 MORE YEARS!<br />
Yes, it takes you 5 years to graduate.<br />
Not 4.<br />
This is good. <br />
Don't be scared. <br />
<br />
You will feel like everyone around you has an obscene amount of money and no idea how to appreciate it.<br />
This is both correct and incorrect.<br />
It's also irrelevant. <br />
Stop trying to make it relevant.<br />
<br />
Oh, and quit adding random people on Facebook that are in the Arkansas network.<br />
1.) you look like a massive creeper.<br />
2.) you will meet plenty of people.<br />
Stop worrying! <br />
3.) you will have to spend an insane amount of time deleting all those randos you once thought were so necessary. <br />
Just stop it now.<br />
<br />
You're going to question your decision to live in the all girl dorm...<br />
Don't bother.<br />
It's one of the few things you do right.<br />
Nice job.<br />
You will still interact with boys, stop fretting.<br />
The bonds you'll make and the memories you'll have from Reid will be far better than any coed dorm could've provided. <br />
<br />
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<br />
Stop trying to change your roommate and actually listen to her words. Don't take her actions too personal; try to read between the lines and see how much she's hurting.<br />
For goodness sake stop acting like you're the only one who deserves to be hurting or have baggage. Stop getting caught up in all the materialistic BS and help her. <br />
<br />
Because I didn't and I can never get those times back.<br />
She will leave and you could have potentially stopped it.<br />
And you will have to live with that forever. <br />
<br />
You will hate the demands and pressure<br />
and basically the majority of sorority life,<br />
<u>do it anyway. </u><br />
You will literally have a perfect rush... <br />
<i>(even though you don't know the first thing about rush or even care at this point)</i><br />
only to get to the final reveal and be absolutely devastated by not getting your first choice.<br />
You will feel like your entire college career has already been ruined. <br />
DO NOT FREAK OUT!<br />
No really, chill out. <br />
Being chosen by Zeta Tau Alpha is possibly the greatest blessing of your time at Arkansas.<br />
This blessing will run it's course within a year and you will have to let it go, <br />
HOWEVER(!)<br />
It's going to lead to so many good things and even better people.<br />
Those few people will still be a <b>HUGE</b> part of your life in five years...<br />
<br />
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<br />
Brace yourself, this is a tough one... <br />
You're about to experience heart break.<br />
Heart break so deep, it will literally break you into a million pieces.<br />
Not the kind of heartbreak you felt with JD... Something much more foreign.<br />
You're still pretty battered and bruised from the loss you experienced in high school, so this will not help any of your personal issues with yourself and your life. <br />
You're going to fight like hell to stop it.<br />
To stop him.<br />
To make him stay.<br />
To make him believe it will work.<br />
To make him see the future you see.<br />
To make him love you like you love him...<br />
This heartbreak will continue for the next three and half years.<br />
It's not him. It's not you. It's no ones fault.<br />
No matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to commit to you.<br />
No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to make him happy or whole. <br />
You will never be what's best for him or him for you. <br />
I wish I could tell you to let him go, but I won't.<br />
I can't...<br />
Because as much as he'll hurt you, as many tears as you're about to cry,<br />
he will love you more deeply than humanly possible. <br />
He will be there for you.<br />
He will teach you to breathe again.<br />
He will teach you so much about life, love, and what it means to go down fighting.<br />
But listen to me when I say, <b>he will never fix you. </b><br />
and you cannot fix yourself...<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>only God can do that. </i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>And He would, but you don't give Him a chance until way later. </i></blockquote>
But back to your heartbreak...<br />
No matter what, you will go through this relationship with him.<br />
Despite your mum saying no, your friends telling you you're crazy, the endless possibilities you missed because of this twisted relationship you're in,<br />
and the inner turmoil you feel constantly,<br />
you will still try.<br />
It will fail.<br />
You will screw up in between these years...<br />
A lot.<br />
You will heal. <br />
YOU WILL SURVIVE. <br />
... And more importantly, <i><b>so will he.</b></i><br />
<br />
JJ will not like moving to Fayetteville next year.<br />
Save yourself the heartache of having to give him back to your parents yet again and just accept he's not meant to be with you at college.<br />
<i>Don't worry though</i>, there is a little pup waiting for you down the road that will need you much more.<br />
<br />
Seriously, you can get out of control emotionally.<br />
If you haven't realized yet, we're a pretty emotional person. <br />
We get better, but WHEW. Lady, you should've chilled out a long time ago. <br />
While yes, what you've been through has pretty much left you tattered like a rag doll,<br />
you still need to learn to control yourself, your words, and your emotions.<br />
And obviously your facial expressions. <br />
<br />
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<br />
You have no idea how to study for college level work.<br />
You can try and blame your small public school but we both know it's all on you.<br />
Again, stop blaming your past.<br />
I know it's hard, but you've gotta let go eventually. <br />
Good news to that...<br />
you are excellent with hands on, interactive, proactive, type of work.<br />
Utilize this.<br />
Embrace this.<br />
Love this. <br />
<br />
So, about that whole dentistry plan....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. <br />
Yeah, don't even try.<br />
<br />
In fact, stop pretending to want things that others want from you or for you.<br />
They will actually love you no matter what, in spite of all your screw ups. <br />
Just slow your roll...<br />
Go undeclared for as long as they will let you.<br />
Take your gen eds.<br />
Take some intro business classes because you will wish you and Excel were better friends down the road.<br />
Take some marketing classes.<br />
Take astrology.<br />
Take bowling.<br />
Yes, they offer that.<br />
Take art. <br />
Yeah, I know you suck at it, but you only suck because you never have TRULY tried.<br />
Maybe you will figure out more along the lines of what YOU ACTUALLY WANT.<br />
<br />
.... Because let me tell ya, I'm about to graduate in 5 weeks and the
future is still one giant mystery...<br />
You don't know this yet, but you really do have a gypsy soul. <br />
Just don't declare any major for awhile.<br />
<br />
Your laugh is so loud and obnoxious.<br />
It's apart of you.<br />
Just learn to love it. <br />
<br />
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<br />
No matter how hard you try, you're going to mess up.<br />
Then beat yourself up over it. <br />
Helpful tip?<br />
<b><u>LISTEN TO THAT GUT FEELING OF YOURS.</u></b><br />
You know which one I'm talking about...<br />
Will save yourself years worth of unnecessary heartache and worry.<br />
<br />
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<br />
It's OK that people are different from you.<br />
This doesn't make you weird.<br />
This doesn't make them better. <br />
It makes you, YOU.<br />
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<br />
You will run a marathon!<br />
You will survive.<br />
You will cry through miles 22-25.<br />
You will never be more proud of yourself. <br />
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<br />
Your personal demons are going to come out more and more as the years go own...<br />
Hold on tight. You can beat them.<br />
<u>You will beat them. </u><br />
<br />
You're going to rediscover the Lord and your relationship with Him will never be the same.<br />
You'll wish you had Him so much earlier,<br />
but remember that Christ can take any bad situation or decision and use it for good.<br />
All that matters is you find Him.<br />
And it is so beautiful. <br />
<br />
Here in a few months, you will start pretending to be something your not.<br />
You'll do this a lot.<br />
JUST DON'T. <br />
Search for yourself, fine.<br />
But don't pretend to be something you're not.<br />
They are not the same thing.<br />
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<br />
Your family will always love you.<br />
Sometimes, you will not like your family.<br />
Sometimes, they will not like you.<br />
This is OK.<br />
It will be fine.<br />
<br />
You will realize how much you actually DO like Oklahoma. <br />
<br />
You have NO IDEA what good music is yet...<br />
<br />
You're going to cut your hair so short<br />
and it's going to take forever to grow back.<br />
Chop at your own risk. <br />
<i>p.s... it won't make him like you more.</i><br />
<i>and neither will your brown hair for that matter. </i><br />
<br />
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<br />
Sophomore and Junior year will literally be the best years you'll have at Arkansas.<br />
SAVOR THEM.<br />
<br />
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<br />
You'll study abroad and meet the greatest people on earth. <br />
It will be one of the most life changing and brave things you ever do.<br />
You will fall completely in love with the people and the country.<br />
You will never get over it and that's absolutely 100% how you want it,<br />
<i>because it means it was real.</i><br />
And we will go back someday.<br />
Those people, that place, will always have apart of your heart that no one else can touch.<br />
And them for you. <br />
<br />
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<br />
You're going to go to the Sigma Chi house <b>SUPER</b> early<br />
just so you can get front row of the Eli Young Band performance when they come during row week. <br />
You will get front row.<br />
You will get a guitar pic.<br />
You will touch all the members of EYB.<br />
Mike, the lead singer, will drop the microphone right in front of you and you'll hand it back to him and your hands will gently brush for about a second and it.is.amazing.<br />
You will lose your voice from singing so loud. <br />
And despite that HIDEOUS, white trash, jersey shore leopard dress you wear,<br />
it will be one of the best memories you'll have from the UofA.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Go to more sport games.<br />
All of the sports.<br />
Even track meets. <br />
Stop using work as an excuse.<br />
Save your money. Don't eat a few meals.<br />
Seriously. <br />
Find a way.<br />
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<br />
STOP TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE.<br />
1.) you can't<br />
2.) it only hurts you<br />
3.) it's just truly so unnecessary<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
By this time, she's mentally drained and so am I.<br />
So, I'll try and wrap things up. <br />
<br />
I will tell her one last thing...<br />
<br />
No matter what you think or feel,<br />
you're going to be just fine Sam.<br />
Enjoy every second of this wonderful place.<br />
It's going to come and go in the blink of an eye,<br />
and despite your desire to move on and start the next chapter,<br />
you'll always have this town, these times, these memories, this sacred place,<br />
and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. <br />
<br />
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Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-22899577390461695192013-02-14T11:12:00.001-07:002013-02-17T19:01:30.924-07:00My relationship with E.D.- Part 2<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is part two of my Relationship with E.D. series. </span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><br /></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><u><b><a href="http://samjaleigh.blogspot.com/2012/09/my-relationship-with-ed-part-1.html" target="_blank">Catch up with part 1 here</a>!</b></u> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So, where were we? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">... Still in early 2012.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />At this point, I've realized that I'm truly 'not OK.'</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I knew it in my heart that I had an eating disorder, but I just didn't know how to accept it or<u><b><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></b></u>understand. Or, maybe believe it?</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I felt so lost yet, somehow knew I had to change and do so pronto if I ever had any hopes of getting my life, my happiness, my heart back. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />I knew deep down why the previous attempts to become healthier were so unsuccessful. </span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Like I said in part 1.... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I JUST WASN'T READY. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />So why wasn't I ready? </span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was <span style="font-size: small;">attempting</span> to change, wasn't I? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn't want to binge eat anymore.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn't want to be with E.D. anymore. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn't want to hurt myself<span style="font-size: small;"> anymore... </span> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was REALLY trying, wasn't I? </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />Around March 2012, I realized that I had never fully addressed </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">where my binge eating came from; </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">it's origin, where it all began, how it all started. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn't have to think back on it for long... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I knew exactly when it happened. </span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">7 years ago, I was in a horrific car accident that changed my life forever. </span></span><br />
<br />
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</div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I nearly lost my life... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and unfortunately, my boyfriend did lose
his.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">JD was his name and we had a<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">incredible</span></span> kind of love. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Words will never do <i>us</i><span style="font-size: small;"><i> </i>justice</span></span>. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was beautiful
and it was so beyond real.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was a gift from God that I<span style="font-size: small;">'m still</span>
thankful for every single day.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You can read more on<b><a href="http://samjaleigh.blogspot.com/2011/09/if-i-die-young-story-of-man-who-saved.html" target="_blank"> that story HERE</a></b>.<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">(I ho<span style="font-size: small;">pe you have time to <span style="font-size: small;">read about</span> his courage <span style="font-size: small;">at some point-- he was one amazing human b<span style="font-size: small;">eing</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>)</i></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was
hospitalized <span style="font-size: small;">from the wreck</span> for a week with four breaks in my pelvis, two on each side<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">, </span>a<span style="font-size: small;">nd a complete<span style="font-size: small;">ly shattered left foot<span style="font-size: small;">.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The doctors told me that they knew I would be able
to walk again, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">but they couldn't tell how well <span style="font-size: small;">I</span> would be able to
function while running. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">They told me I might never be able to run or participate in sports like I had before<span style="font-size: small;"> the ac<span style="font-size: small;">cident. </span></span> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">At that point in time, I was playing three different sports </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and had been since I was
about 5...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Being active was my life.<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Being an at<span style="font-size: small;">hlete</span> was all I knew. </span> </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was like everything important <span style="font-size: small;">in my life had</span> literally been </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">stripped away in the blin<span style="font-size: small;">k of an eye</span>. </span></span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Despite having faith that JD was in a better place,<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>not hurting anymore, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and w<span style="font-size: small;">as blessed <span style="font-size: small;">with</span></span> a great support system... <span style="font-size: small;">I</span>t still
was the absolute lowest, darkest, saddest, and most hopeless time period
of my life.</span></span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Not only was I emotionally and mentally
distraught, but I was also so physically broken.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I couldn't use my legs
because of <span style="font-size: small;">the injuries in my foot</span> and I couldn't use crutches or a walker because of my
pelvis... I was non<span style="font-size: small;">-</span>weight barring for over two months.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Translation, I
could not do anything without assistance for over two months.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">That means everything<span style="font-size: small;"> from</span> showering, shaving, going to the bathroom, dressing, etc. I had to <span style="font-size: small;">have help with. </span></span></span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was unbelievably vulnerable; so emotionally empty.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On top of that, I was at the mercy of
everyone else physically.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Not only was my soul bare and shattered for
everyone to see, but so was my body...</span></span><br />
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">All I could do was lay there with my thoughts, my pain, my hurt. </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Not able to release it in any sort of way. </span></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">All<span style="font-size: small;"> those things combined</span></span> just pushed me so far over the edge.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><u><b>The months following the accident and JD's passing is the time that I started to develop my
binge eating disorder. </b></u></span></span></div>
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was such a mess, no one knew how to handle me. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>Excep<span style="font-size: small;">t with</span> food. </b></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Everyone realized, myself included, that <span style="font-size: small;">food</span> was the ONLY thing that brought me comfort, even if it was just
for a brief moment. I learned that if I could eat my sadness, it brought
me instant gratification and almost a "coating" for all the sadness happening inside. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Until
I was hungry again, anyway... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I never realized it though... Not once.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">And it's
been going on for years, more present during some years than others.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If I wasn't binging on food, it was something else that offered instant
gratification; drinking,<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-size: small;">po<span style="font-size: small;">or decisions with <span style="font-size: small;">guys</span>,</span></span></span></span></span> empty relationships with friends... <br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">No matter what though, I always came back to food. </span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br />The deeper I dug into my sickness, the more I realized<span style="font-size: small;"> that</span> food had become engraved in my mind to equal gratification. </span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Not just satisfaction or enjoyment, but a <b>masking</b>. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">A covering, a coating of all the things I was feeling internally. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It started just when I was sad or upset<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>but overtime in turned into when I was happy, excited, nervous. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">AKA, all the time. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Some<span style="font-size: small;">where along the way, I t</span></span>rained my heart, my mind, my body, </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">and my soul to seek comfort in all the wrong things. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It wasn't just a habit, but a way of life. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was selling myself short of so much
happiness! </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This mean<span style="font-size: small;">t that I was going to have to</span> start a new normal. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">E.D. wasn't a relationship that could be conquered within a few months. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">My relationship with E.D., <i>like the weight I'd acquired</i>, did not consume me overnight. And it most certainly wasn't going to go away or just end overnight. </span></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It was going to be a process. </span></span></i><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Despite how much this scared me <i>(and frankly still does</i><i>) </i>I knew it'd be worth it.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NntiJ2i92Ow/URx86UdK3uI/AAAAAAAACEI/hAH2ZQnvb6g/s1600/photo+3%25283%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NntiJ2i92Ow/URx86UdK3uI/AAAAAAAACEI/hAH2ZQnvb6g/s640/photo+3%25283%2529.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Summer 2012</span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I slowly tried to stop binging here and there and pray to God
specifically about MY DISORDER and all that it meant and carried
with it. I had never <span style="font-size: small;">admitted <span style="font-size: small;">my relationship with E.D. in my prayers <span style="font-size: small;">be<span style="font-size: small;">fore. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">It's not that God wasn't enough for me or that I thought He co<span style="font-size: small;">u<span style="font-size: small;">ldn't help me</span></span>... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It was that </span>I didn't let
Him be enough. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I didn't have faith that He can be everything I
need and that include<span style="font-size: small;">d</span> being stronger than the desire for food.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After some time,<span style="font-size: small;"> I</span> rededicated my life to the Lord at the during the summer and that
really helped me heal.<span style="font-size: small;"> Was the <span style="font-size: small;">be<span style="font-size: small;">ginning of the real healing, I like to think.</span></span></span> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I finally started to believe that He wanted more for me than this addiction.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Also, I was starting to see that I could, in fa<span style="font-size: small;">ct, </span>overcome <span style="font-size: small;">this<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span>with H<span style="font-size: small;">is help. </span></span></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I started seeing a counselor again as well. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Through the counseling, I started to unravel deeper parts to my
disorder. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span>
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I was able to identify triggers and things that set me up for
failure<span style="font-size: small;"> and <span style="font-size: small;">things that le<span style="font-size: small;">d me to s<span style="font-size: small;">uccess. </span></span></span></span></span></span>I was more open and honest about everything
than I had ever been.<br />
<br />
At this point, a few family members knew, some of my friends knew, and I started to become comfortable talking about it again.<br />
This time, when I would talk about it, it was in a way of healing, not of bondage. </div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span>
<br />
<div>
<br />
For the first time, I was beginning to feel freedom from the power E.D. had over me. </div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Fall 2012. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I finally left E.D. and all his ugli<span style="font-size: small;">ness behind.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">More on that in the next part of the series. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Thank you for reading!<span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>*** I</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>f you</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b> or so</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>meone you know suffer</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>s from an eating disorder, please seek out help</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>. There </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>are so many great outlets out there<span style="font-size: small;">; webs<span style="font-size: small;">ites, books, counselors, pastors, <span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">church<span style="font-size: small;">es, help centers, etc. all just</span> </span></span></span></span></b></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><b>waiting to be utilized. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>H</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>owever, if you do </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>reach out to a friend</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b> that is struggling, PLEASE</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>, d</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>o so with g</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>entle</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>ness</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>, kindne</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>ss, and love</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>; not anger, confu</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>sion o</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>r cond</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>emnation</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>. </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>You may not </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>understand why they </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>do t</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>he things they do, but eating disorders are DISEASE</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>S</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>. They are not somethin</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>g that can simply be fixed with a pep talk</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>. </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>There is so much pain </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>and shame inv</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>olved.</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b> Coming clean wi</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>th t</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>heir struggles is a </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>huge step. Be kind, be loving, and b</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>e understand</b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>ing. ***</b></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> <br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">One m</span>ore <span style="font-size: small;">thing<span style="font-size: small;">, </span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">no<span style="font-size: small;"> matter what you'<span style="font-size: small;">ve been th<span style="font-size: small;">rough </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">or what you've done throughout your life<span style="font-size: small;">.... </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<b><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Y</span>ou are beautiful and you <span style="font-size: small;">deserve happiness</span>. </span></span> </span></span></span></span></b> Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-33936828102128586022013-02-04T15:57:00.001-07:002013-02-04T15:57:56.096-07:00I read a book. I love books.<br />
I love buying/renting books.<br />
I love reading books.<br />
<br />
For some reason though, I don't read them near as much as I'd like.<br />
<br />
I blame school mostly and the fact that by the time I actually sit down and read something that's not work or school related, I fall asleep pretty darn quick. <br />
<br />
Also, I blame Netflix. I know, I know. #firstworldprobs... <br />
<i>>> To my defense, I really haven't watched many TV shows/movies lately either. My Netflix is feeling pretty neglected. </i><br />
<br />
However, before school went into full force, I was able to finish this bad boy up!<br /> <br />
I'm not the best with book summaries because as most of you know, I'm
a rambler.<br />
I always feel like I say too much and give too much
away.<br />
Then, in my attempts to not say too much, I don't say enough and make the book sound lame.<br />
<br />
However, I shall try.<br />
Because, I read a book. A whole book. I want to remember how this feels!<br />
<i>And because it could potentially be after graduation before it happens again. </i><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WOhbznh2b8g/URAqeKA2GXI/AAAAAAAACC0/0raZOrubRs4/s1600/photo.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WOhbznh2b8g/URAqeKA2GXI/AAAAAAAACC0/0raZOrubRs4/s640/photo.PNG" width="426" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
THIS. BOOK.</div>
..... <b><i>holy twists, turns, plots, so.many.supernatural.beings.i.can't.keep.up, crazy visualizations, predictable but then again not predictable, freaky, exciting, typical love triangle that somehow isn't in any way/shape/form typical at all.... </i> </b><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>YEAH. <i> </i></b></div>
<br />
<u>Will I read the rest of the series?</u> Probably.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>However</b>, because of the way this first book ended, I was left speechless and honestly freaking out a bit... I HAD to google what becomes of a certain ummm <i>"situation"</i> because I just couldn't deal with not knowing. This wasn't like an Edward/Bella/Jacob, situation either. Or, even an obnoxious half vamp-half human baby kind of situation. This was something that I literally could not go on to the next book without knowing what I was heading into. With that said, now that I know what to expect and what book to expect it in, I feel heaps better about the series as a whole. So, I'm sure I will eventually continue on to the rest of the books! </blockquote>
<u>Do I recommend this book?</u> Despite all the craziness... Yes! I do. Especially to all my friends that love YA reads. I have a strong feeling it'll be unlike anything you've read so far :) <br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
And of course, it's been made into a movie. <br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hc4CiTvQ-YE" width="560"></iframe></div>
Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-22036415753778112122013-01-13T21:10:00.000-07:002013-01-13T21:10:59.430-07:00The 2012 Overview. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wyTHCoV-ebk/UPOEb5578aI/AAAAAAAACCY/IcGS_Cckss0/s1600/beauty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wyTHCoV-ebk/UPOEb5578aI/AAAAAAAACCY/IcGS_Cckss0/s1600/beauty.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/76511541@N07/6867140367/" target="_blank">via</a></i></span></div>
<br />
I'm back from Fall break.<br />
Back to reality.<br />
<br />
Such a crazy time break was.<br />
Both beautiful and sad all in it's own way.<br />
Kind of like the 2012 year. <br />
<br />
I'm working on not rambling so much (HA!- right.) so I'll cut straight to the goods.<br />
<br />
Gonna get real raw here.<br />
Shocker. <br />
<br />
Clearly, this past year, 2012, wasn't my biggest blogging year.<br />
I'd like to say that will change.<br />
But, it's hard to tell.<br />
<br />
I feel I have so much to say.<br />
So much I want to remember and document.<br />
But, I have trouble just putting it into words.<br />
Much less proper punctuation and spelling. <br />
<br />
And I feel a lot of blogging is posing.<br />
I hate posing.<br />
I pose too much. <i>{{Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.}} </i><br />
<br />
Oh, and Netflix also happened. <br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
2012.<br />
You saucy minx, you. <br />
<br />
You brought me so much emotion. <br />
<br />
So much feeling.<br />
So much growing.<br />
So much learning.<br />
<br />
So much pain.<br />
So much pleasure. <br />
<br />
Yet, somehow still such a blank slate. <br />
<br />
I rededicated my life to Christ.<br />
I was baptized.<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
Yet, I still struggle with my walk with Him daily.<br />
Not because He isn't enough. <br />
But because I don't trust Him enough. <br />
<br />
In 2013,<br />
I want my faith to become stronger than my flesh. <br />
<br />
2012.<br />
<br />
I admitted my eating disorder.<br />
I recovered.<br />
I relapsed.<br />
Multiple times.<br />
<br />
I was single.<br />
I was alone.<br />
I was rarely lonely. <br />
<br />
I lost myself.<br />
I found myself.<br />
Only to lose myself again.<br />
Rinse, repeat.<br />
<br />
I still missed Australia. <br />
<br />
2012.<br />
<br />
I slowly am finding out who I want to be through the guidance of a mentor. <br />
and in the words of an accountability partner. <br />
<br />
I've realized the deep value in the friendships I have.<br />
<br />
I questioned many of them.<br />
I questioned if they really love me.<br />
I questioned if I really love them.<br />
I questioned their role in my life and my role in theirs. <br />
I questioned how we interact and what I bring to the relationship.<br />
<br />
I tried to evaluate what I can do better.<br />
I tried to evaluate what I should give more of, but<br />
also what I should give less of.<br />
<br />
So many beautiful souls bring so much to my life.<br />
I am truly blessed by their presence.<br />
Much more than I deserve. <br />
<br />
In 2013, <br />
I want to bring the same to theirs. <br />
<br />
2012.<br />
<br />
I realized more hurt lies within my family than I care to mention. <br />
I realized this no longer makes me naive, or a child.<br />
I realized this means I'm growing up.<br />
I realized I would give anything to go back to not believing in pain or<br />
that real life problems actually exist. <br />
<br />
Mumford & Sons was my saving grace. <br />
<br />
I still haven't graduated.<br />
<br />
I changed my entire life plan of dietetics. <br />
<br />
I've now bought more Taylor Swift songs on iTunes than I care to admit.<br />
<br />
I moved.<br />
Again.<br />
<br />
2012.<br />
<br />
<br />
I still love Marilyn Monroe.<br />
<br />
And Tim Tebow. <br />
<br />
The more I learned, the more I realized I know nothing at all. <br />
<br />
<br />
Then, there's 2013.....<br />
<i>You're going to be a big one. </i><br />
<br />
I will: <br />
Graduate from college.<br />
Apply to nursing school.<br />
God willing, start nursing school.<br />
Be in 3 weddings.<br />
<i>{{Best friend, cousin, sister; 2 of which, I'm MOH and the third, a bridesmaid}} </i><br />
Vegas.<br />
Moving..... Ahhhgain.<br />
And of course, all the unknown.<br />
<br />
2013. <br />
<br />
<b>Let's see whatcha got. </b><br />
<br />Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-64597406509740836962012-09-28T09:43:00.000-07:002012-09-28T09:43:51.701-07:00My relationship with E.D.- Part 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<h3 class="r g0">
<span style="padding-bottom: 14px; padding-right: 15px;"><i>eat·ing dis·or·der</i></span><span class="speaker-icon-listen-off" id="speaker_icon" style="margin-left: .7em; margin: 0;"></span></h3>
<table class="ts"><tbody>
<tr><td style="color: #666666; padding-bottom: 5px; padding-top: 5px;" valign="top" width="80px"><u>Noun:</u></td><td style="padding-bottom: 5px; padding-top: 5px;" valign="top"><table class="ts"><tbody>
<tr><td>Any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habit<i>.</i></td></tr>
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<i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"I have an eating disorder." </i></div>
<br />
I remember the first time I<b> truly grasped </b>those painful words.<br />
Then the time I actually said them <b>out loud.</b><br />
Then the time when I really<b> meant</b> them.<br />
It sadly wasn't that long ago.<br />
<br />
That phrase is so gut wrenching to say. I never thought in a million years that I would ever have to say them. I never thought I would be one of <i>those people.</i> Notice how I said<i> "those people."</i><br />
<br />
Not <b>me.</b><br />
Not <u>my</u> life.<br />
<br />
But, that's just it... so many people suffer so much pain inside and we never know it. Whether they are good at hiding it or we are just too blind to see, more people than you could possibly imagine suffer from an addiction, a disorder of some sort.<br />
<br />
To be blunt, most people hear the term <i>"eating disorder"</i> and visualize a person standing in front of the mirror, nothing but skin and bones. Or, a person sticking their finger down their throat and hugging the toilet in secret. Most people think of anorexia or bulimia; and please don't get me wrong when I say those <i>should</i> be the most talked about forms of eating disorders.<br />
They are the most common, most dangerous, most deadly.<br />
<br />
Yes, you heard me, <i>deadly. </i><br />
<br />
However, there is another form of eating disorder that isn't talked about as much. <br />
Maybe that's part of the problem.... <br />
<br />
Rarely when you hear "eating disorder" do you visualize someone sitting in their car alone, shoving a combo meal from both Taco Bell and Chic-Fil-A down their throat, all in one sitting.<br />
<br />
Rarely do you ever think of someone sitting at a Sonic drive in for 30 minutes staring at the menu in tears and disgust because of the inner turmoil going on inside their mind; whether they should push the button and let themselves lose control or not .<br />
<br />
Rarely do you think of someone ordering a pizza and cheese sticks at 2am when their roommate is asleep and then after the binge is over, just stare at the empty boxes and being to cry their eyes out because they are more concerned about how to hide the "evidence" rather than the physical abuse they had just inflicted on themselves, on their heart, to their temple.<br />
<br />
Rarely do you think of someone standing in line for food, pretending to be on the phone with someone ordering so that way the checkout person wouldn't think they were ordering that much food for themselves... When in fact, they were. <br />
<br />
Rarely do you think of someone who, for just those few moments in time, those few bites of food, has absolutely no problems in the world at all, and all that matters is when they can get the next bite, the next "fix." <br />
<br />
Rarely do you think of someone who gets a <i>genuine high</i> each time they place food inside their mouth. <br />
<br />
Rarely do you think of someone who literally lives to eat, not eats to live. <br />
<br />
This form of eating disorder is called, <a href="https://www.google.com/#hl=en&output=search&sclient=psy-ab&q=binge+eating+disorder&oq=binge+ea&gs_l=hp.3.1.0l4.1075.2313.0.3423.8.7.0.1.1.1.435.1177.1j5j4-1.7.0.les%3B..0.0...1c.1.-1d28zyaMUc&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.&fp=e05dc3b32e1dec4e&biw=1280&bih=590" target="_blank">binge eating disorder. </a><br />
<br />
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Oh, and in case your curious... <b>yes,</b> I have done those things and </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so many more shameful, hurtful and humiliating things you can't even imagine. </div>
<br />
It's hard to describe the pain of those memories... But, someone needs to. Someone out there is searching for someone to understand, just like I was. I hope this can reach that set of eyes someday and I hope this series can bring someone hope, no matter what their addiction might be. <br />
<br />
I look back and I just want to shake that person and scream at her, "<i><b>YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS! YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS DECISION!"</b></i><br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UpR6H2lV2uY/UGXRcyvOOWI/AAAAAAAABwY/3fHrp4HcYvs/s1600/Photo+33.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UpR6H2lV2uY/UGXRcyvOOWI/AAAAAAAABwY/3fHrp4HcYvs/s640/Photo+33.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
But, unfortunately we can't go back in time.<br />
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The only person I can talk to and do anything about, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is the one facing me in the mirror at this present time. </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
To this person, I just want to wrap my arms around her and say,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><i>it's OK. </i></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
You will get through this. </div>
<br />
<b><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/" target="_blank">The Mayo Clinic</a></b> describes binge eating disorder as, <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>A serious eating disorder in which you
frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone
overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday
meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating
disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret.
</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about
gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can't
resist the urges and continue binge eating. </i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>You may have no obvious physical signs or symptoms when you have
binge-eating disorder. You may be overweight or obese, or you may be at a
normal weight. However, you likely have numerous behavioral and
emotional signs and symptoms, such as:
</i>
<br />
<ul>
<li><i>Eating unusually large amounts of food</i></li>
<li><i>Eating even when you're full or not hungry</i></li>
<li><i>Eating rapidly during binge episodes</i></li>
<li><i>Eating until you're uncomfortably full</i></li>
<li><i>Frequently eating alone</i></li>
<li><i>Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control</i></li>
<li><i>Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating</i></li>
<li><i>Experiencing depression and anxiety</i></li>
<li><i>Feeling isolated and having difficulty talking about your feelings</i></li>
<li><i>Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss</i></li>
<li><i>Losing and gaining weight repeatedly, also called yo-yo dieting</i></li>
</ul>
<i>
After a binge, you may try to diet or eat normal meals. But restricting
your eating may simply lead to more binge eating, creating a vicious
cycle.
A person with binge-eating disorder can become an expert at hiding behavior, making it hard for others to detect the problem. </i></blockquote>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
AKA, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>me in a nutshell.</i></div>
<br />
Some of you may remember my<i> "Live Free Project" </i>on this blog that I tried over a year ago. I don't have the link to it because I deleted all the posts.<br />
<br />
Yes, I was that embarrassed to say the least. I thought if I deleted the project and never brought it up again, I could make it go away. Pretend it never happened and just deal with my weight on my own.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I was so wrong. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It most certainly didn't go away; </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the pain, the emotions, the weight. </div>
<br />
Let's back up a little bit... <br />
<br />
After returning home from Australia June 2011, I was the biggest size and heaviest weight I had ever been in my life. I attempted to blog about my weight loss endeavors in hopes that it would hold me accountable. I called it the "Live Free Project." I had great support and such positive feedback from so many people. How could I possibly have any problems, right?<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u>WRONG. </u></b></div>
Although my heart was in the right place, the project failed, miserably. I should say, I failed miserably. That's not because I didn't try... I did try, so hard.<br />
<br />
However, I didn't fully grasp the realm of my disorder. I didn't realize what was going on internally and emotionally within myself; in short, I just wasn't ready.<br />
<br />
So, as the Mayo's description states, I restricted myself and tried to<i> "deal with my weight loss"</i> only, since I wasn't ready, it lead to more binging, a deeper depression, and yes a viscous cycle. I went from talking about it all the time, to not talking about it at all. "It" being my weight and my problems with eating. All the while, never looking to fix what the REAL problem was...<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br />
<u><b>I was addicted to food.</b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>It was my drug. </b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>With every pound gained and tator tot ate, </b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b>it covered that much more hurt and sadness. </b></u></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8uHO6uIwSUo/UGXR-JCYaOI/AAAAAAAABwg/jSNfvyOSUCw/s1600/ed1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8uHO6uIwSUo/UGXR-JCYaOI/AAAAAAAABwg/jSNfvyOSUCw/s640/ed1.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>
<br />
What's even more crazy is I can't tell you exactly WHAT I was so distraught over. I know when the cycle started, but more on that topic later in the series. However, I couldn't for the life of me figure out how or why this was still happening! What was so wrong with my life that I did this to myself? <br />
<br />
It was around the this time that I started to realize the addiction; realize this wasn't just about weight lost or weight gained... This was a serious problem.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
This my friends is the time that I began a fully committed relationship with E.D. <i> </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Aka, my deliciously & beautifully disguised, violent & abusive eating disorder </i></div>
<br />
You see, no other addiction or disorder has to survive on the one
thing it cannot control. Meaning, a drug addict doesn't have to shoot up
to live. However, a food addict, has to face their addiction, their
demon,<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. </div>
<br />
In NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM am I belittling other
addictions. I'm just simply stating facts. The fight with food occurs
more frequently than almost any other disorder because you have to face it in every single setting or situation. It's there, looking you dead in the eye, telling you each time you eat how weak you are. <br />
<br />
Fall 2011.<br />
<br />
I began to seek counseling and started to show progress.<br />
However, I stopped counseling and life started to get hectic again with classes, work, etc. and just like clockwork, the addiction came full circle again. E.D. was everywhere I turned, following me like a stalker, lurking in the shadows to wait for his next move. <br />
<br />
Fall semester went by and slowly but surely, I began to get bigger and bigger and my fight against food, my relationship with E.D., hit an all time high.<br />
<br />
The holidays went by.<br />
I went home during those times to visit family and old friends I hadn't seen in awhile.<br />
This is when I began to see it on people's faces...<br />
The way people treated me began to change.<br />
I had no longer just "gained a little weight."<br />
I had full on exploded.<br />
I felt lingering looks of disgust, the staring up and down.<br />
Surely they had to be thinking,<br />
<i>"WOAH... She's really let herself go. She's gotten huge!"</i><br />
I could feel it in the way they spoke to me.<br />
Their words were empty and their eyes were heavy with condemnation and judgement. <br />
You will never know how much people's thoughts, views and opinions of you change when you don't look the way they think you should look....<br />
It's beyond heartbreaking. <br />
<br />
January 2012.<br />
<br />
E.D. had completely corrupted me, no matter how much I tried to hide what was really going on.<br />
I no longer saw Sam in the mirror, but instead, <u><i>I saw E.D. </i></u><br />
I saw the bruises and scars that E.D. had given me;<br />
the invisible ones that laid on my heart and on my soul. <br />
I saw food.<br />
I saw what I had become.<br />
I couldn't fit into ANY of my clothes and I had to buy sizes I never dreamed I would have to buy in a million years.<br />
<br />
I had returned home from a trip to NYC over New Years Eve and I found myself hating
every single picture of the entire trip, due to the way I looked. I
realized how much this was affecting the overall happiness and health of
my life. I couldn't even enjoy the wonderful memories I made and moments I captured because of E.D. and his constant control of my life! <br />
<br />
Then, one night. E.D. decided to really spice things up...<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
I guess he was getting bored of the same ol'.</div>
<br />
I somehow stumbled upon the realization that after a binging episode, I could make myself throw up and not feel so bad. Almost like it erased the whole thing from my mind.<br />
<br />
Out of mind, out of sight, right? <br />
<br />
From the research I've done, this seems to be the norm. No eating disorder is typically by itself. They're usually a package deal. Maybe not the whole time, but at some point there's a combination. <br />
<br />
A few weeks went by and I made myself throw up some more. <br />
<br />
After another episode, I laid on the floor crying and I'm not sure what happened, but I truly knew I couldn't live this way anymore. I was the heaviest and unhealthiest I'd ever been and if I didn't get help, get my life back, I would be lost forever.<br />
<br />
This is when I would say I was experiencing some of the darkest times of my relationship with E.D.<br />
<br />
I saw the honest truth... <b>I was literally killing myself. </b><br />
<br />
This was when something inside me shifted. Something inside me snapped.<br />
<br />
I couldn't take it anymore.<br />
<br />
I finally was ready to take on my demon.<br />
<br />
My relationship with E.D.-Part 2 coming soon.<br />
Still to come:<br />
<ul>
<li>Where & when E.D. and I<i> first</i> met. </li>
<li>The real moment of freedom. </li>
<li>The continuous battle. </li>
<li>The healing and much more. </li>
</ul>
Until then, I encourage you to hug someone today.<br />
You never know what they are going through and friends, pain is pain.<br />
No matter what shape, size, or form.<br />
If someone you know is suffering, don't bombard them with interrogations and condemnation.<br />
Instead, love them and find ways to encourage and help them. <br />
<br />Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-92014382759356127222012-09-24T08:00:00.000-07:002012-09-24T08:25:39.939-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-furYJkWHn3Y/UGAEZYP3jKI/AAAAAAAABug/1M9EO-RsyKM/s1600/self.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-furYJkWHn3Y/UGAEZYP3jKI/AAAAAAAABug/1M9EO-RsyKM/s640/self.jpg" width="280" /></a></div><br />
What do ya know, another change. Another layout. Another style.<br />
Same ol' girl.<br />
Yet, so incredibly different.<br />
Each day seems to bring so much newness.<br />
But somehow stays the same? <br />
I don't know how to keep up. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">This blog has seen so many changes and directions. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Neglect as of late. </div><div style="text-align: right;">I think that that's a good thing, though; </div><div style="text-align: right;">Because it shows my ever evolving life....</div><div style="text-align: right;">and beliefs and desires and priorities and phases.<br />
It's beautiful really.</div><div style="text-align: right;">Growing. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Learning. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Hurting. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Suffering. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Joy. </div><div style="text-align: right;">Happiness. </div><br />
I don't want to neglect it anymore. I don't want this point in my life to be lost in translation. I feel it in my heart; these few years, this decade of the 20 somethings, will some of the most life shaping times of my life. No, no more neglect. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>"I'm not a girl,<br />
Not yet a woman.<br />
All I need is time,<br />
A moment that is mine,<br />
While I'm in between."- Britney Spears. </i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">I get it now Brit. </div><div style="text-align: left;">And yes. I did just quote B. Spears. <i><br />
</i></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-9461224668536000952012-09-07T10:24:00.000-07:002012-09-07T10:38:47.381-07:00Let's Talk About Sex BabyThis weekend I'm off to a sex convention.<br />
Well, sorta. I'm volunteering at it.<br />
Yeah, with my church.<br />
BOOM.<br />
You're minds blown right now huh?!<br />
Well good, it should be.<br />
<br />
'Romance Uncensored' is a national annual convention put on by my pastor and his wife and it's for married couples to get together for a weekend and talk about, you guessed it, sex. <br />
<br />
Whether or not that word, that term, that concept, or the act itself makes you uncomfortable is, no offense, kind of irrelevant. We unfortunately don't have a choice. It's everywhere. In our minds, in our DNA, in our desires, in our tv shows, in our books, in our music, in our workplace, in our schools, in our homes, it's even in our freaking foods (aphrodisiacs people). We can't escape it and the more we are ashamed of it, the more hurt and harm we inevitably cause for ourselves. <br />
<br />
I'm a firm believer that if the church<i> </i>would talk about sex more, our reality would be radically different. Now, I'm not talking about the stereotypical kind of talk either... <br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>SEX IS FROM SATAN!!!!!!! </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>PREMATRTIAL SEX = STRAIGHT SHOT TO HELL, GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED, THE MAN IS ONLY ALLOWED ON TOP AND THAT'S IT! EVERYTHING ELSE IS SINNNNN!</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>..................... </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>FALSE. </b></div>
You may think that sounds crazy, but you know it's what most people at some point of their lives have been led to believe. Which is just down right heartbreaking.<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GfUXpDJ_hKg/UEoq-fJXPRI/AAAAAAAABnA/-w0zC5C_ccI/s1600/RU2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GfUXpDJ_hKg/UEoq-fJXPRI/AAAAAAAABnA/-w0zC5C_ccI/s1600/RU2.jpg" /></a></div>
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I'm so blessed to be apart of a spiritual family that's open, honest, in your face with sex and all it's many colors. For me, it's not only been eye opening, but more life changing than anything. <br />
<br />
In honor of sextember, I'm going to share a few of my all time favorite videos about the topic: <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/AArnEUFWfjU" width="640"></iframe>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/I4OK9DmLpCY" width="640"></iframe>
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/IlJFvxad1_A" width="640"></iframe>
</div>
<br />
PS... Some exciting stuff is in the works for this ol' bloggy of mine. <b>FINALLY!</b><br />
Stay tuned for the new<i>(ish)</i> direction and some <i>actual</i> blogging all coming your way sometime next week. Happy Weekending you beautiful people! Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-84991760499320682872012-08-28T10:44:00.001-07:002012-08-28T10:54:48.932-07:00religion on a boardI walked out of class around 11am this morning and as I did, I noticed this large board right smack dab in front of the union. Which, of course, is right in the middle of campus. As I walked closer, I couldn't help but stare. I've seen some seriously amazing things go on in the middle of campus, but I have to say... this is my favorite. <br />
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<br />
I watched for probably 10 minutes before I decided to write something. Then, I wrote a few things. I was shaking the entire time. I walked up with the pen and then stepped back nearly 20 times. How could I put into words all I wanted the say? What could I possibly write something that would even come close to all the emotions I was feeling? I prayed and trembled and just wrote. I tried to think from the heart of a nonbeliever, and someone just searching for answers and for hope; someone searching for love. <br />
<br />
I have to say, I was absolutely breath taken by some of the words people used and deeply saddened by others. Yet, throughout the whole thing it was so amazingly beautiful to see how many people responded and wanted to not only write but also to talk to one another. This sign hadn't even been up for two hours and by the time I left, the board was nearly twice as full as these pictures show.<br />
<br />
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<b>My favorite. </b></div>
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<i>The longer I live & the more I learn about the world, the more I realize how littler I know. Everyone seems to think they have all the answers to the world's problems. But I know nothing really <u>EXCEPT </u>one thing. That the Almighty God, Creator of the universe is real. He is good. He is just. He is perfect. And he actually loves me. I don't understand it, but it set me FREE. </i></div>
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I'm still praying over the board and it's impact on each set of eyes that fall upon it. Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-90190917298407405092012-07-24T07:01:00.000-07:002012-07-24T07:01:47.243-07:00The KucksAfter 14 months of planning, the time has come and gone!<br />
Nicole and Michael are officially <b><i>The Kucks</i></b> and I couldn't be happier for them both :)<br />
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I had the privilege of speaking during their ceremony and read one of my all time favorite chapters in the bible, 1 Corinthians 13. <i>I mean I did get my blog title from there after all</i>... It was so intimate and special. I am very thankful I was there and able to share such a beautiful moment in time. Nicole couldn't have looked more gorgeous and the day was perfect! <br />
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<i> <span class="text 1Cor-13-13" id="en-NIV-28679">"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."- 1 Cor. 13:13 </span></i></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-57603612065483049792012-07-23T08:00:00.000-07:002012-07-24T05:28:51.196-07:00I don't even have a title.<br />
Sometimes you just check out, ya know? You get busy. You struggle. You wallow. You get all sorts of scattered. I've said it about a million times on this blog and about 10x that in real life... I'm just so dang busy. Any not-busy time is spent just laying in bed or on the couch, trying push life to the back of my brain for a bit and watch Netflix in peace. I daydream about the days of consistency and a normal schedule.<br />
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Isn't that life though?<br />
Blondes want to be brunettes, blue eyes want deep brown eyes, fat wants skinny, skinny thinks they're fat, rich wants simplicity, simplicity wants more adventure...<br />
Always greener on the other side kind of thing.<br />
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I know all my friends that have the usual 8-5 schedule are probably thinking about how much they want to go back to their college days and that I'm <i>"so going to regret this post in 4ish years.</i>"<br />
And they're probably right... yet, here I am saying, <i><b>let's play trade. </b></i><br />
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We all get by though.<br />
Some days we appreciate our lot and some days we curse it.<br />
Either way, it's ours.<br />
We make it what we want...<br />
Some of us have it easier than others.<br />
Some of us cherish it better than others.<br />
Some of us thrive more than others.<br />
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But, what can you do but put one foot in front of the other anyway?<br />
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<i>"Don't think twice, it's alright..."</i>- Bob Dylan.Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-67733802515439340112012-07-02T08:02:00.001-07:002012-07-02T08:02:22.680-07:00The latest project! CHECK IT!I've been gone lately for all sorts of reasons, but one of those reasons is the fact that I've been working on another blog! Yes, that's right! I've officially teamed up with three friends and we have created a wonderful little corner in the internet world :)<br />
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Ladies and gentlemen, I am so proud to introduce to you <span style="font-size: large;"><i><b> </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://all-of-the-stuff.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><i><b>"All of the Stuff" </b></i></a></span></div>
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You should go play :) </div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-91725699142655644922012-06-21T10:31:00.000-07:002012-06-21T10:31:44.997-07:00Devils Den<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A few weekends ago, my roommate and I made the short trek over to a well known spot in Arkansas known as<a href="http://www.arkansasstateparks.com/devilsden/default.aspx" target="_blank"> <b>Devils Den</b></a> to get out and enjoy our last weeks together. I have been dying to go to Devils Den for years. I'm not even kidding guys, years. It's a really famous spot here in Northwest Arkansas and for some laaaaame reason I had just never been! <i>Whatever.</i></div>
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Not anymore though! I FINALLY got to <strike>cross DD</strike> off my list off my long list of things to do before I leave Fayetteville. As you will see it's beautiful, and not just that, it's also great camping too! </div>
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So thankful for our time spent at this gorgeous place and the beautiful day that accompanied us!Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-51955509846056857312012-06-05T08:48:00.001-07:002012-06-05T08:55:52.936-07:00Call Me Maybe Parody: Some of my favs!OK, we all know and love <i>(or, at least you should)</i> the song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.<br />
And we all also have seen <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsBsBU3vn6M&feature=related" target="_blank">the best home video</a> of all time.<br />
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Within the past few days I've seen some awesome parodies, that were making fun of paradies... and who doesn't love that. This song is taking over the world. I don't know why but seriously(!) EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. it comes on my day is instantly better. So, I thought I would share a few of these LOL vids with you and hopefully it brightens your day too!<br />
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<i>Lets be honest... </i></div>
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<i>This one is alright. </i></div>
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<i>But, it's really just all about the hot baseball players. </i></div>
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<i>I mean serioulsy, are these guys real? </i></div>
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<i>They go to Harvard. </i></div>
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<i>They play baseball (my weakness). </i></div>
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<i>They are smokin' hot. </i></div>
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<i>AND they listen to Call Me Maybe. </i></div>
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<i>I want one.</i></div>
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<i>Parody of a parody... classic. </i><br />
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<i>Most of you know about my <a href="http://samjaleigh.blogspot.com/search/label/Aussie" target="_blank">love affair</a> with Australia, but for those that don't, I lived there for about 6 months and it was pretty much the greatest time of my life. So, this video is just too perfect! The lingo, the SUPER THICK accents, the Australian humor. I can't deal. </i><br />
<i>I don't know if anyone else will appreciate this one as much as I
do though, so if you don't laugh, don't worry. It's not you, it's me. </i><br />
<i>I had my roommate watch it last night and she merely chuckled as I
was hysterically cracking up. </i><br />
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Happy Tuesday everyone!Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-3011120250424271822012-06-04T07:00:00.000-07:002012-06-04T07:00:07.656-07:00So.... Guess who's back?No, this isn't your news feed playing a weird mind game with you.<br />
I am indeed back to blogging on this URL friends.<br />
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<i>Yeah, yeah... I know I know. </i><br />
Shake your head and roll your eyes all you want, <b>I deserve it.</b><br />
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I'm sorry to my friends that read my posting consistently and have followed me all over the map... I truly do appreciate you and I hope your google readers aren't all hissy with these transitions of me bouncing back and forth. I think it's safe to say I'm back for good though! </div>
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I needed a switch and so I left blogspot. I wouldn't even say a switch, but more of a spicing up of some sort. </div>
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I found it <a href="http://samlortonspeaks.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">at tumblr</a>... the new and exciting layouts and blogging styles were fun for awhile. </div>
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<i>(which I'm still keeping for unknown purposes-- just seems silly to get rid of it)</i> </div>
However, the blogging just wasn't the same there. In fact, there wasn't much blogging at all on my end.<br />
I figured sometimes you have to let something go to figure out how much it <i>really</i> means to you.. For example, your blogging websites. <br />
Yes, I did just use <i>that </i>analogy. But hey, I figured if famous athletes, musicians, and starlets can go in and out of retirement<i> (some more than once),</i> surely I can leave and come back to blogger, right?! <br />
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So, here goes my second attempt at blogging on this bad boy. To all those that will see this, I'm sorry and thank you for putting up with me! I promise to try to stay in one place this time :)<br />
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Happy reading!<br />
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<a href="http://weheartit.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>via</i></span></a></div>
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<br />Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-36166259189240779132011-11-30T19:08:00.001-07:002011-12-01T08:14:55.113-07:00I'M MOVING!!!!!....... Yep, it's true. I'm leaving.<br />
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Leaving Blogger that is. It's been real ya'll! <br />
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<a href="http://weheartit.com/entry/18111724"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>(via) </i></span></a></div>
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But FEAR NOT!<br />
I've moved my blogging abilities <i>(like they're super great or something)</i> over to tumblr.<br />
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I know, I know. Utter betrayal to Blogger after it's given me nothing but amazing times, new friendships, and opened up a whole new world to me. BUT, I feel this is a good move. I haven't been happy blogging here for quite some time now. So, I've decided in order to keep blogging,<i> which I do want to do</i>, I need to make a change. And after changing my blog design more times than I can count, not responding to comments, and losing interests in things daily... I realized the change needed to be bigger than a font change here and a banner change there. So, I'm off to give tumbling a try. Who knows if it will be any different or any better, all that I'm interested in is enjoying the art of blogging again. So, we shall see!<br />
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I realize this move means I will lose a lot of readers and followers... And as sad as I am, I've come to terms with it. I will miss you all. All of the relationships and friendships I've made on this little bloggy have meant so much to me! I will continue to read and check in on yours too :) I plan on keeping this account for commenting and navigating purposes. And of course if I ever get tired of tumblr and decide to come back, HA!<br />
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So ladies, gentlemen, and blogger... I bid thee farewell and invite you to join me over at tumblr. Let the new chapter of my blogging life, begin! (Cheesy, I know.. Just go with it..) <br />
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New Blogging Home:<br />
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<a href="http://samlortonspeaks.tumblr.com/"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>samlortonspeaks.tumblr.com</b></span></a></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-91253303380127172482011-11-30T00:00:00.000-07:002011-11-30T00:00:06.196-07:00I am silent...(Replica of past post...)<br />
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On November 30th 2011, I have taken a vow of silence for the charity<b> </b><a href="http://www.freethechildren.com/vowofsilence/"><b>Free the Children.</b> </a>I stumbled upon this amazing campaign via twitter and man, am I ever glad I did. I have decided I am going to be silent by way of mouth, texting, facebook, twitter, and email. My five main sources of communication. However, each person can contribute in their own way, whether that be what I've stated or more, or the use of your car, or the use of your gchat, or the simplest of things as listening to the radio. Obviously, those with full time jobs that require you to engage in interaction, being silent via mouth and most likely email is just not possible. That is 100% OK! There are plenty of other ways to show your support. I urge you to check out <b><a href="http://www.freethechildren.com/">Free the Children</a>'s </b>website and see for yourself how big of an impact you can make. If I can be silent, I PROMISE, anyone can.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"The Vow of Silence is Free The Children’s annual fundraising and
awareness-raising campaign that engages tens of thousands of
participants to stand up for children whose rights are not being upheld.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>From Toronto to Mexico City, London to San Francisco, Beijing to
Jakarta, Vancouver to Sydney and back, on November 30, 2011, young
people will go silent for 24 hours in solidarity with children who are
being silenced by poverty and exploitation. For Vow participants, being
silent can mean refraining from speaking. It can also mean not using
email, Facebook, Twitter or text messaging. It can even mean not using
hand gestures, note writing or any communication at all. Participants
like you can determine your level of silence based on what you’re
comfortable with."</i></blockquote>
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<br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wt0YlunaO6s" width="560"></iframe></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-41504955754163501842011-11-29T13:39:00.001-07:002011-11-29T13:55:18.271-07:00It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This year my roomie of three years, Meagan, and I decided to indulge in some Christmas cheer! We got our first tree, wreath, and of course, stockings. Isn't Jackson's mini one the cutest thing you've ever seen?! I love it. I love all our decor! It makes me happy. Here's to happy decorating! </div>
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Cheers :) </div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-44452452943797358422011-11-28T10:15:00.001-07:002011-11-28T10:29:34.919-07:00Quote of the Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>Find people who love you unconditionally, surround yourself with them, and bring them the same level of intensity. - </i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">SEAN STEPHENSON</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-3511162652183748902011-11-22T07:15:00.001-07:002011-11-22T07:44:53.628-07:00A time of thanks<div style="text-align: left;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">So much coming up!</span></div>
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.::. Multiple Thanksgiving feasts, nom nom nom .::. </div>
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.::. Hunting with the family .::.</div>
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.::. Enjoying all God's beauty in the peace and quiet of the woods .::.</div>
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.::. Much needed time with family and friends .::. </div>
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.::. Hogs vs. LSU. We will win this game, <a href="https://www.google.com/#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&source=hp&q=garrett+uekman+&pbx=1&oq=garrett+uekman+&aq=f&aqi=g-z3g-v1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=63397l63397l4l64607l1l1l0l0l0l0l334l334l3-1l1l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=fd97df0753c9234e&biw=1280&bih=615">for Garrett #88</a> <b><b>w88pigs88ie</b></b> .::. </div>
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There is so much to be thankful for friends. I strongly encourage everyone to take a few moments out of your day to really reflect on all the blessings and good fortune in your life.</div>
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All my love and thanks goes out to you reading this right now! </div>
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May your week be filled with all the happiness in the world. </div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-78146230686260564882011-11-21T11:18:00.001-07:002011-11-21T11:38:14.910-07:00Movies I'm looking forward to in 2012: Pt. 1<div style="text-align: left;">
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<br /><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hD3dSCLhIMw" width="560"></iframe></div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-9058339426501756002011-11-19T12:43:00.001-07:002011-11-19T12:44:28.451-07:00Ellen + Cast of Twilight = HILARIOUSI can always count on Ellen to make me laugh :) <br />
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Happy Breaking Dawning! </div>
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Because let's be honest we will all see it at some point this weekend. </div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-62170549343241046982011-11-17T11:43:00.001-07:002011-11-17T12:17:27.232-07:00Heifer RanchRemember me <a href="http://samjaleigh.blogspot.com/2011/11/everybodys-gotta-water-buffalo.html">mentioning</a> going to visit my friend Britney? Well, this was our amazing day on our VIP tour of Heifer Ranch, aka the coolest place on earth. <br />
To learn more about Heifer Ranch <a href="http://www.heifer.org/">visit here</a> :) <br />
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and that was <i>just a touch</i> of one of the coolest days of my life :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-65941656326649218842011-11-16T12:00:00.000-07:002011-11-16T12:00:02.348-07:00We Day<br />
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TODAY IS WE DAY!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MVuZ5NTcn6Q" width="560"></iframe>
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It only takes a little to make a BIG difference!</div>
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Visit<a href="http://www.weday.com/"> www.weday.com </a>to get the scoop :)</div>Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14398389672363735556noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-27309695588556043532011-11-16T08:48:00.001-07:002011-11-16T08:53:57.487-07:00Love146<u><b>Warning</b></u>: This video will shake you to your core.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="331" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/7422396?title=0&byline=0&portrait=0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="500"></iframe><br />
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/7422396">Love146 History</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/love146">LOVE146</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.</div>
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Stripped of your dignity. Stripped of a childhood. Stripped of your purity. Stripped of your own name.<br />
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Sex Trafficking is real. It's here, right under our noses. We all know a child, a young girl... imagine if that young girl was stolen and sold into this lifestyle. Would you look at things differently?<br />
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We can help. All of us.<br />
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Visit <a href="http://love146.org/get-involved">Love 146</a> to see how you can help save a child's life today. <br />
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<span style="color: red;">Love protects. Love defends. Love restores. Love empowers.</span></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4524651112456745834.post-70916245929630895572011-11-15T12:23:00.000-07:002011-11-15T12:23:00.406-07:00Worth ItAnything that is worth it, is hard. Not <i>always,</i> but usually. For example: quitting smoking, losing weight, exercising more, cleaning your house, learning to not procrastinate, seeking help when you need it, etc. It's all difficult. <br />
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<i>So, why do we do it?</i></div>
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<b>Because it's worth it. </b></div>
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It's
worth the extra time put into cleaning your home, because you will be
proud once your done. It's worth the extra steps, the extra sweat put
into exercising because you will be healthier and in turn, happier. All
of the things that are hard, are worth it and why they're worth is
because the end result is our happiness. And let's face it.. Life is too
short to be unhappy! So count your blessings, press onward when you
want to give up because somehting is 'hard', and keep reminding yourself
that the end result is SO WORTH IT!<br />
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<b>Cheers!</b></div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1